Living on the Edge

 Sierra Madre is one of those towns that “Ozzie and Harriet” could have lived in.  A little town nestled in the foothills of the San Gabriel Valley; it is surrounded on one side by the mountains that are part of the Angeles National Forest, and by the greater Los Angeles Basin on all others. This town has a quaint downtown, no stop lights, and an eclectic mix of shops and restaurants. In the center of town, there is a banner that changes weekly letting everyone know about community activities.  Most of the people live here because of the location and proximity to the big city, and the fact that it feels small.

I love to hike, and I spend a lot of time with my dogs in the local hills behind Sierra Madre.  There is a lovely monastery/retreat site right on the edge of the town and the national forest.  Wandering the perimeter of the monastery often brings me behind the buildings and onto a small ridge that gives a magnificent view of the entire Los Angeles Basin. This is a perfect place to sit, reflect and dream.  One day as I was looking at the beauty of the view, it struck me, this monastery is on the edge: in the city and not in the city.  At that moment it seemed like a metaphor for me, and who I am.

For years I have longed to move to Northern California, to escape the city and to live in the solitude of trees and mountains.  For a variety   reasons this is where I am. I am not unhappy here, I's just rather be in a more rural environment.   As I have contemplated why I was “stuck” here and not able to be in the environment I loved, that moment of awareness brought me to a new level of understanding.

I live on the edge, not in a scary way, but I live on the edge of life.  Not truly in it, and not really out of it.  If I was out, I could be in my beloved forest right now, if I was truly in, I wouldn’t be always looking to get out and away.   I live my life as an observer, not as a true participant.  I take care of people, but I watch and listen more than I interact. When I was really shy, for a while at work related social events, I would bring a camera so that I could move from group to group. This enabled me to participate in a superficial way and not to completely commit to the small talk.  I don’t know how I will change, but since this awareness has come into my consciousness, I am looking at how to balance being that observer, learning from it, and actively joining into the conversation.

I talk a lot about “exploring the inner landscape”, and I find that more than anything, this desire to support others in discovering their own innate creativity and who they are, actually brings me closer to revealing my own inner greatness.  I am able to step beyond the boundaries of who I think I am, and come closer to the reality of my inner truth.